"What the fuck would I do with a boyfriend?" I snapped back with a laugh drenched in cynicism as I snatched my beer, rolled my eyes, and continued to power walk the foamy substance to a customer who probably didn't speak any english.
I always said I wouldn't know a relationship if it smacked me in the face with it's ball sack. The last GOOD relationship I had with a member of the opposite sex, our parents were still driving us to our dates at the local Friday's.
The thing is when you are single, and I mean SINGLE like the last person to have touched your sexy bits in the past two years was your gynecologist and a 60 year old Indian wax specialist named Parul, you go through what I'd like to call "Single Lady" stages.
There's the "I-Am-Fabulous-And-Free" stage.
The "I'm-Going-To-Flirt-With-Everyone-Because-I-Have-No-Fucks-To-Give" stage.
The "Why-Do-I-Think-of-Ben & Jerry's-When-I-Hear-This-Love-Song?" stage.
AND of course the "I'm-Going-To-Be-Forever-Alone" stage.
When I started this blog I thought it was going to be the tales of a single 'twenty-something' and I would tell you about all my escapades and weird OKCupid dates and be witty and funny and cynical. I was getting to a point in my seven year single stint where I actually was starting to think I might be alone forever. And I started accepting it as who I was. I was single. I was the single friend who would always be available on a Friday night to help you meet the man of your dreams (or at least keep the men of your nightmares away). I had mastered the art of being single.
Life doesn't work that way though does it? Just when I thought I was going to be forever alone and had built my walls nice and sturdy and high, someone came along and ruined all my hard work.
Now I've been doing this mystery man dance on here for a minute but it's time to come out and say the words I never thought I'd say, I have a boyfriend. Or rather, I am officially someones girlfriend.
To the shock and awe of myself, and mostly my mother who swore no one was going to make a decent woman out of her "sailor mouth" daughter, someone has decided what I've known all along. I'm actually pretty awesome.
And it is better than I could have ever imagined.
But you know what? As incredible as I think he is, and as thoroughly happy as I am, it has occurred to me that while talking to my still single friends I feel as though I have crossed over some bridge, away from them.
I was the mayor of the single ladies village. And I feel like I am abandoning them all.
But what the hell does it even matter?
I think we all do two terrible things at the same time.
1.) I think we don't give our relationships enough credit for being truly wonderful, special things and
2.) We revere relationships to be the key to solving all our problems.
Look, the things I don't know about relationships could fill the seven seas two times over, but I DO know how to treat others and when I care about someone I don't do it half-ass because I know how special it is to find someone that is not only there for you through the good, bad, and painfully mundane, but also gives you butterflies and sexy times. IT IS SO RARE.
Please, I am only 24 but hear me when I say MOST PEOPLE SUCK. Most people are not cool and they are self obsessed and unavailable and are not any good in bed and I know this because I have dated/met/rendezvoused with more of them than I even care to remember.
Meeting someone who you care about that cares about you is a precious gift of gold that should NEVER be taken advantage of and should only be treasured and fed love and joy and goodness.
On the flip side, if you are single there is NOTHING wrong with you. Your life isn't any better or worse for being single. You are just single. Maybe you haven't met the right person, maybe you just got out of a bad relationship or maybe JUST MAYBE you WANT to be single. Hooray! Good for you! Single it up. Single is fun. Sure it can feel incredibly lonely sometimes. When that happens I recommend you grab a pint of Ben and Jerry's and watch "The Notebook" and feel sorry for yourself and then on the weekends go out and wear a sexy dress and drink a poorly made cocktail with cheep vodka to convince you that semi-attractive stranger is more attractive than they are and it would be one of your better ideas to make out with them.
Or....maybe don't.
The point is there's life to be lived whether you're flying solo or trying to share it with another (hopefully well deserving) human.
To be honest the way I was living my "single" life last year, I probably did need someone. Someone who made me give a damn. Someone who made me stop looking at my life like it was something to be wasted on getting wasted.
It's cheesy to say but I think in a lot of ways he saved me from myself.
But I'm not SAVED. I have more to do and I have to do it myself. MY LIFE is still MINE. Sure, I'm sharing it in a bigger way with another human which is a beautiful thing but the day to day bullshit, my anxieties, what I want to do with my life, it's all still my puzzle to solve. The work is still left up to me.
I'm still alone in that.
And that's okay. That's life. What does saved mean anyway? Are any of us ever really "SAVED?" Are we ever really finished products? As far as I'm concerned we're all just humans dealing with our lives and our psyches and our strengths and weaknesses.
I never wanted to be saved. I never wanted a boyfriend. I wanted a partner. A partner to hold my hand as I tried ever so desperately to "save" myself.
So even though no one technically "found me a boyfriend".....
I can't say I'm not glad he's mine.
(A slightly less)
Broken Record
